Sitting with the Hunger

 

Blog for 09April 4

 

I disabled my Facebook account this week. It was starting to rule my life. I was beginning to live my life around it, as in, ‘What can I do and then report on Facebook?” I took photos of every aspect of my day. I was checking it constantly, and spending way too much time thinking about ways to portray my life, maybe as much time as I spent living it.

 

This is not to say that Facebook is bad or self-indulgent. I am just realizing that my relationship with it is unhealthy. I can see how it can be important to people keeping in touch with far-flung friends and family. It can also help find old friends who have fallen out of contact.

 

There was an aspect of Finchiness too it though. I used to have a pair of Zebra Finches named Jelly and Beanie. They made a constant peeping sound during their waking hours. It seemed to reassure them about each other’s presence, and since they were generally anxious little creatures, they never stopped checking in on each other.

 

I remember one time when Scott and I were having a terrible trip on the Heron with people who were making me insane. Scott was up in the pilothouse out of the line of fire much of the time, but I would go up there often and ask ridiculous and unnecessary questions as a response to the stress I guess. Finally, he was fed up and just turned to me and went “PEEP.PEEP.PEEP.PEEP.PEEP.”  I got the point.

 

So I was peeping away on Facebook most of the last week, and realized that it was getting in the way of the rest of my life. So I am dropping it for a while. I already miss it.

 

I have been thinking about the nature of addiction. This is always a hard time of year for me for some reason.  I tend to drink more and eat badly. Maybe it is the boat maintenance.  It is a tough season, fighting the cold and wet weather, doing hard physical labor. Finally, I have gotten good enough at it that my results are predictable. In earlier years, I had some frustrating failures. I would get very cranky.  I remember a friend stopping by and telling Scott that he saw me on the dock  drinking a beer at nine in the morning. I think Scott just said, “Let her”. I think my respirator may have saved my marriage. It is almost impossible to understand what I say when I am wearing it.

 

I have gotten much better at boat maintenance after nearly 30 years though, so I am not drinking out of frustration any more. In fact, the hours on the boat are peaceful now. I still have cravings though. Now it is for chocolate eggs. I have already eaten three bags and Easter is a week away. Part of it is from being outside all day perhaps, working hard.. Then part of it is that I have an addictive personality. I can’t eat one piece of candy. It has to be by the handful.

 

Oh well, what is the big deal? Just candy right? Addicts know it is never about the substance though, whatever it is.  It is not even about satisfaction. It is all about the Hunger. Fighting off the Hunger.

 

So I think about that. What does it mean to sit with the Hunger? To quit chasing it away with food or amusements? I thought I would try it for a while. Make some sense of it. Ask it some questions, like “Why are you here?” People who meditate say it is much scarier than you would believe, and more emotional. I am just tired of running. I’ll let you know how it goes.